My secret is fatally gorgeous-I'd Die For You

madds_for_you @ 2007-02-10T16:46:00

2007-02-10T21:47:12Z

eyes are locked on one another
words die to a whisper
but with every attempt at friendship
they lose it, he rushes forward to kiss her.

Her fingers tremble as she holds his hand
wishing for the best,
and she feels like shes holding the hand of god
for he has treated her better than the rest.

Every kiss lasts so long
the tick of a second goes so slow
who is to say what is right or wrong
their hearts are the only ones that know.

and her only worry is that he will walk away
jerk back and return to his past
cause for once she feels like the passions right
a relationship in the brewing with a touch of class.

shes aching to hear him ask her, for the real thing
while his green eyes are sparkling with questions
but the more they sparkle, the more her knees weaken
thats something i didnt need to mention.

They are waiting on love- or waiting on air
time will only tell the truth
but untill that day comes around
she is only running from her youth.

hmm

2007-02-04T20:01:15Z

asdfjkashdf
agh

koc show

2007-02-03T04:57:34Z

the koc show
was fucking fabulous
and 2*sweet...OWNS!

other than the bad news of the carsons not playing the andrews show anymore... which im pissed about- ima happy girl

but im at dannys with shan
trying to find somewhere to go for the night
=]

I know

2007-02-02T22:14:13Z

The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever

As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover

Its been a day
and i have my doubts
i actually dont have my doubts
i know whats going to come of this
I know what he is going to decide
and the thought of this makes me sick to my stomach

"She" can be his pretty valentine
Whoever she will be
Truth is she will always be prettier than me
at least he will be happy

never again will i fall in love without realizing the pain that COULD come of it first...
never again

i cant control it

2007-01-13T01:53:58Z

i cant control it
i try to stop myself
and its just to tempting
looking at pictures help
today i was good i guess

oh ps

2007-01-09T17:11:00Z

oh and a note:

i miss you
your amazing =]
you made me laugh yesterday

like a wave- but he pulls me back

2007-01-09T17:08:55Z

i feel like a wave....timidly going back into the water, then being rushed and pushed only to crash onto shore.
i keep drifting away, im trying to forget... im trying to move on
yet always he pulls me back without trying. I dont quite understand. Anything does it-Seeing him play a show, the sound of his voice, a song, someone running, going somewhere for the first time since this summer, anything...
I want it to stop
I want it to go away and to stop hurting
I dont want to cry, I want to be happy
God just fuckign leave me alone
Please please please find someone- ask her out, fuck her...
make me think im not worth it, and shes better.
She might not love you more than i did, but please think that she does
treat her better than me
just hurt me, its the only way ill let go
please get out of my head
remove yourself from my heart
or come back and say you miss me.
but you consume me completely, and im lost.
That saying- shes crazy for you boy
she was.. and she still is...
shes crazy, shes crazy hurt and crazy minded.

I know i was happy before i met him, at least at the time I was, and I'm happy now. I'm lucky, having someone so amazing. This part of me is convinced though that im not quite complete anymore.

Sometimes i lie awake at night and wonder what would have been made of us, if things had gone differently. but who will ever know.

consume... me...

2006-12-29T01:43:25Z

falling back into that state of mind
the pains in my side are cries of victory
i pretend to consume... a game of trickery
you can control...
taunts and names flash back from my past
you can control...
staring back at me is someone i dont want to be
you can control..
feeling dizzy, searching for a way out
but I remember my hard work shown, eventually.
and the battle goes on..

gifts gifts gifts?

2006-12-26T19:42:40Z

i was quite suprised
i was told over and over that im not getting anything for christmas this year
but in the weeks leading up to it and christmas day i actually got quite alot =]
-a new ipod
-an abercrombie jacket
-rock&republic jeans
-joystick dreamland hoodie
-burberry london
-lacoste touch of pink
-dior lip gloss
-a necklace
-jewelry
-chocolate =]
-a tripod for my camera..

crazy crazy
=]
and the boy got me something amazing too
hes perfect

The Simple things

2006-12-26T19:40:08Z

Christmas. The simple things... Family, happiness, respect, thankfullness, and seeing life through the eyes of a child.

I love christmas, its probably my favorite day- while winter is my favorite season. It's the one time a year that i get to be a child again... It's ok to want to play in the snow, or go take a picture with santa, or bake cookies. I get to miss all of the things i cherished so much as a little girl. And every once in awhile that feeling passes me, that feeling of warmness. Having a little boy with downs come up to me and eventually ask me if i liked christmas.... I said yes and he asked why, which i guess caught me off guard. It took awhlile, but i told him because it was magical. He smiled, and the guy that was holding his hand told him it was time to leave. It kind of hurt to watch him walk away. Living the life he had, he was as happy as every little boy or girl.
Though most try to avoid the mall around christmas, its craziest time- I love it. I love seeing all of the people, bumping into friends, and seeing families bustle about trying to get ready for christmas which is coming way to fast for everything they need to do. I love seeing the little girls with the blonde curly hair and matching gold dresses wait anxiously to see santa, even though i know its all a commercial holiday, even though i know that its not real, it still makes me happy- just to see the motion of the holidays.
So what was christmas for me? It was realizing the night before, that the boy that i was and am in love with has never missed me. It was letting go. Texting back and forth i got more answers from him than i had ever expected, and they hurt, but at least it was the truth. So i feel like i was lied to, that it was three months wasted. He never loved me, he never cared. That might be speculation but it's how i reacted. In the midst of freaking out, I stepped back and realized that with everything that has happened- life moves on. Every crazy thing that has happened, every bad or hurtful thing- they never stopped life, they never made the world crack in half. So everything happens for a reason, and it happened. Maybe one day it will repeat, maybe 10 years from now ill still remember, or maybe ill just let it go, and never look back on it.
Yet christmas for me.... Christmas for me was magical in its own way. Sure getting in a fight with my mom driving to the other house last night, and being sick all day havent been great. But for once, all three of us were together as a family, not only in the same state or house, but in the same room. All day. Then i go back to christmas eve, which really was breathtaking. Going to his house we exchanged gifts of course, and he remembered that i loved white roses. Haha, a clever boyfriend that i have... put two white roses in one of the bottles in a 4 pack of jones, along with a teddy bear, well horse. We went to church, yes, me at a church... I knoooowwww.... It was fun though, I was extremelly nervous, had no clue what i was doing and felt like I didn't belong there, but he was there with me so i guess it was ok. I don't think im going back, but im glad he asked me to go with him, and i hope it made him happy that i was there. The rest of the night was nice, we decorated his tree, listened to bright eyes christmas music, i spun around in circles with my dress that twirled, and i had to keep him from trying to open his presents like a little kid when his parents took the dogs for a walk. He makes me incredibly happy, the boy keeps me going, and shows me that someone still wants me. That im not a screw up, that he sees something special in me. He's kind of like a best friend to me. You're amazing geno, absolutely amazing.
It doesnt feel like christmas, it doesnt feel like its almost over. Yet it happened... and every year christmas reminds me of something. It reminds me that its always ok to look through the eyes of a child.

i just remembered

2006-12-19T20:15:19Z

how much i love bouncing souls =]
ahhh
so good =]

hahah i put them on driving home from the mall again...

i fall apart

2006-12-19T06:36:53Z

once again i fall apart
once again my emotions and past have proven to conquer all.
I dont quite understand why i cant just let it go. I cant really understand why he made me cry again. Apparently its possible though. Have you ever felt like someone ripped you apart into two? There's two differnt people, with two different feelings. I'll never let go of him, its not possible. He will always make me cry, and every time theres a chance of tying off the hateful ends and leaving things at a lets just drop everything- my stomach flutters... It's all i want. to fix things.
you know since it happened? he and i never talked on the phone
actually the last time we talked on the phone was our 3 month about... a week before he dumped me.
I hope hes satisfied, I hope he feels like a big person who is powerful, that has sucked the life out of me. Sometimes i honestly dont feel lik i can do it anymore, sometimes i want to just give up. I can't though.
Ive never been attatched to boys before, I've never been in love before him- But he showed me something taht i cant even explain.

I can't help but cry
I can't help but see his friends and try so hard to smile, but really just want to hide, cause it brings the memories back
the box in my room- with all of the stuff- i dont know where to put it.. I hid it, and its hard to look in it without crying...

sitting here now tears are rolling down. I wish he didnt care, i almost wish i never knew him. Why would he message me about caring about MY HEALTH. why. Why would he bother, I dont want him to bother. I want to fade away by my own good hands if thats what i choose to do. Don't notice it, Don't try to stop me. Thats what hurts
he has power over me still.

I'm a helpless girl, honestly... it takes the blow of a slight breeze to push me over.. and im butter in your hands- anyone can get me to do anything... its sickening.

WHY DO I LOVE YOU STILL?
you eat away at my thoughts
you eat away at my self respect
you eat away at my passion
and you eat away at my will to succeed

So why do i feel guilty? I have the sweetest boyfriend a girl could ask for right no. He RESPECTS me, he TRUSTS me, he LOVES me even with my past... yet i feel guilty knowing that i will always miss my past in a way. I love that heknows that, I love that i can talk to him about it- yet i feel guilty that i cant return the exact clone of a feeling back to him, since part of my heart is missing it looks like to me. He took it with him, and its not coming back.
These emotions are driving me crazy
I miss geno every second im not with him
Im nervous to feel secure in a relationship
I understand him, he understands me
yet i hardly understand myself
he loves me
yet i love him, and still love someone else.. who hates me
how does this work out like this?
how does this make sense?
why cant i just let go
why cant i just be with geno and forget about my past
why the fuck isnt there a memory eraser
why do i ask so many questions
why do i fall in love
why dont i just let go

my whispers in your ear...(your amazing)

2006-12-16T23:14:41Z

and did you know
that before i met you
i looked in the mirror and couldnt even see myself

but you held my hand
and said everything would be ok
and for once
i believed...

did you know
that before i met you
taking a step forward and two back was my talent

but you opened my eyes
and showed that theres more than lust
there's friendship and trust
a light at the end of the tunnel

well did you know
that before i met you
i cried myself to sleep, wishing for the past to repeat

but you understand me
and know that your first love never dies
yet just like a friend...
you'll talk to me untill my worries end

so did you know
that before i met you
every day i wished i was someone different

but your simple words..those simple words
beatiful, pretty girl, amazing
i feel wanted, i feel needed
and for once i wouldnt change anything

did you know
that before i met you
my grip was weakening... i almost let go

but you are my blessing in disguise
more than i could ever ask for
and i never want to let this go
all that you are completes me.

i thank you yesterday
i thank you today
i thank you tomorrow
i thank you every day you are at my side...

<33

he makes my heart race

2006-12-15T04:15:46Z

tonight was unexplainable
it was just... perfect i guess
especially at his house standing out in the road, right after we got back from legacy village
honestly, when im with him it feels like nothing in the world could go wrong
and i dont know
my heart starts racing..
i miss him already
and im wearing his hoodie
it smells like him =]

thank you
i dont think you realize
how much you saved me from myself
i adore you
and then some...

weird dream

2006-12-14T01:55:58Z

i just took a nap before studying blahhh and now i have like 5 hours of studying to do for chem
eew

but i had an odd odd dream
i was hanging out with someone
and idk who he was
but he kept calling me miss angel
and it was creepingme out in the dream
but then i woke up
and realized how cute that name would be
and got sad
cause it was just a dream

welcome to the mind of maddie
sometimes i wonder if it even works

and is it happening again?

2006-12-12T01:26:01Z

my minds rushed
its happening all over again
stopped rewinded and replayed
but this time its different
the path to love- all over again
but im scared
the last time is overpowering my emotions
..
it always will

your first love never dies.

but this time..
its honest
its true
and i know he cares...
and i know theres the potential of hurting him
which i dont want to do ever
hes too sweet

but my minds a blur
i cant think
and i still wonder where it all went wrong
and why
and why i still love him
yet this whole love story...
i know its the right thing
it happened for a reaon
and i know its right
especially when he looks in my eyes...
i melt
sitting here and thinking about it...
i melt
realizing how cold i am now
i wish i was in his arms again...

fuck michigan yo!

2006-12-12T01:04:46Z

relationship questions? oh my

2006-12-12T01:03:35Z

33 relationship questions

Thirty-three questions about relationships. Answer truthfully.

RELATIONSHIPS

1. Single or taken?
taken- and hes a very sweet boy =]

2. Do you have a crush on anyone?
yes

3. Do they know?
yea

4. Do you flirt a lot?
yea

6. Do cheaters deserve a second chance?
honestly- yes

7. Serious or Fun-loving?
fun loving

8. Humor or Romance?
romance

9. Dark or light hair?
dark

10. Shorter or taller than you?
taller

11. Do you kiss strangers?
uh no

12. Do you hug strangers?
i love hugging strangers !!!! hahahahahhahaha

13. How long was your longest relationship?
5 months ish, it was complicated

14. Do you believe in kissing when you are not together yet?
yes

15. Do you think about the opposite sex a lot?
certain members of it yes

16. Have you ever slept at a friend of the opposite sex's house?
oh yes

17. Do you tell your friends they are hot?
yeahp

18. Would you rather have a sweet, clever guy/girl or a wild, funny guy/girl?
can i pick sweet and funny?

19. Have you ever liked someone a lot who didn't like you back?
yes

20. Do you feel comfortable with joking with your friends who are the opposite sex?
oh yes

21. Chocolates or flowers?
flowers

22. Have you ever been in the friends-with-benefits situation?
yeahp

23. Teddy Bear or Card?
both? ahh teddy bears make me happy

24. Would it be sweet or annoying if someone of the opposite sex called just to say hi?
sweet

25. Ever felt like your girlfriend/boyfriend didn't like you?
yeahps

26. Ever been cheated on?
yeahps

27. Ever done the cheating?
if you could call it that yes, but it really wasnt...

28. Ever cried over a break up?
ohhh fuck yes

29. Ever kissed or hugged your girlfriend/boyfriend in front of a teacher and got in trouble?
nope- all girls school haha

30. Do you believe in miracles?
yes

31. Is it easy for you to get over people who were special to you?
idk

32. Have you ever made a birthday wish or blew on a dandelion?
oh yes

33. Have you ever had a broken heart?
yes it kills

Repost this as thirty-three questions about relationships.

madds_for_you @ 2006-12-05T20:01:00

2006-12-12T01:02:50Z

//im happy again
i met someone
who makes me happy again
he likes me for who i am
and i couldnt ask for anything better...

why hello rudolph

2006-12-12T01:01:48Z

I cant even lie-i look like rudolph right now
i just got inside and my face is so red...
its so cold out
but i love it...

i think this is going to be a blog about how much i adore winter and christmas... I made a snowman today, it made me happy.. i made him cookies too =]
then i went to genos and showed up while he was shoveling the driveway..
but its just amazing

my "i give good hugs" gloves and my new scarf make me kind of happy... and the fuzzy boots- ah i want them bad but the boy and alex both said theyd make fun of me if i got them

but back on christmas and winter...
i love it, though i havent gone sledding yet this year i cant wait to... and i have a feeling im going to learn how to ice skate this year, im cool- dont know how!

i wish we had a fireplace here instead of in windsor... id like to be sitting in front of it with hot chocolate

ah it makes me so happy and warm inside.. yayy

i really should go study for finals now though

i think i like it, i think its good, its something i cant get my head around

2006-12-12T01:01:11Z

i miss him already
but i get to stop by tomorrow, so its good

but i like it a lot
i like when he kisses my forhead
sometimes i smile without realizing it
i like it when he looks into my eyes
it makes me feel like im worth something for once
i like when hes shy, and doesnt know what to say
it proves that he isnt like other guys
i like that he likes me for who i am
and i dont have to try harder around him
I like when he says he misses me
i know that someone does then
i like that he will do stupid things with me
like play in the snow... once it snows that is
i like that im not scared...

last night.. fun fun my oh my

2006-12-12T01:00:19Z

was fun
i went to see some cool boy, and brought him his favorite kind of jones
after i got lost driving to his house
which is only about 2.5 seconds away from andrews
im brilliant

then i rode woody- who was amazing
and came home to the world of being grounded on schoolnights...

and talked on the phone for 3 hours
mostly about music
and government =]

something bad happened though
not bad
but confusing
i like him too....

and now its time for me to go to school
eew
school
team practice
then arabica with someone pretty amazing

the perfect boy?

2006-12-11T18:59:59Z

And what do i dream of at night...

That boy...... who would hug me, just to be as close as possible to me. The boy who could make me soup when im sick, and i could take care of when they were sick too. The boy who deserved me more than anyone, yet didnt believe he did-and who would love me unconditionally-for who i am, for what i believe, for the mistakes i have made.
Maybe somewhere there is that boy.... Who can kiss my tears away, and make everything better just by looking in my eyes... Who i can laugh for hours with, day after day, and have more inside jokes with than i would know what to do with. Maybe there is another one... just like he was...
Maybe sometime i will have that boy.... Who i can go to concerts with, take silly pictures with, talk with, and fall asleep in his arms-Who will watch the stars with me, sit by the lake till early in the morning, suprise me sometimes... and appreciate the suprises and things i do for them...
So where is he.... that boy who will change how i look at life again, the one who might open up my eyes to things, yet appreciate who i was before i met them.
Im a hopeless romantic, yes its true... and yes, i long for that feeling of being loved again. I long for someone to try to be a better person for, and someone who might make me feel like im a person thats worth it, that im not useless...

Maybe im looking for someone to save me

The meaning of life my friends?

2006-12-11T18:58:51Z

Waking up a lot earlier than i would have liked to of course laying in bed i just sat there and thought about what life is about- Whats the meaning? What is it for? Why are we here? What's to accomplish?
Being one who is stuck on the thought of loving someone, its scary to think if thats what life is about- giving your heart to someone else, and having them give theirs back, living for them, growing up with them, and them teaching you and helping you when your down- I've failed miserably already... So what do you do? What do you do when you fall in love, and your world blows up. How is it moral or true that you can fall in love with someone else? Doesn't that defeat the concept of it. You can give it your all, give in, or give up.. yet im torn in between the three not knowing what to do- emotions bouncing off of each option, throwing me into a spiral of confusion, that really can't be healthy.
So then theres the thought that life is about friends. Now how can that be? Sure you can find friends that make your life complete, live for them, ditch everyone for them, laugh with them... but who is to say they will always be there? I live for my girls, they are amazing. They make me smile through tears and always manage to make me think everything is going to be ok, even when it isn't. They really are my backbone, and we all help eachother through the good times and bad. So what happens when they leave? What happens when you get in that one petty fight with no resolution?

Whats the constant in life?
what never changes?
what do you have to fall back on?

People can say oh your own morals, your hobbies, your passion. Trust me though, I have those and they have failed me repeatedly. I break my own promises and have gone against my morals, my hobbies have taken over my life to the point where im gasping for air with the amount of life that they consume. I want out, I want out of everything- The riding, the obligations, the school, the growing up

But theres no way.. its life

I've convinced myself that the only thing constant about life, is life... its a constant journey, you have to pick the path you want to take, suffer the consequences, and sometimes carve your own way- going against the grain, against society... and life is about just that- when your old and at the end of your journey, looking back at all you have accomplished- every problem you worked through with your mind, what path you took, and how you have grown. There's nothing at the end of that journey, just memories... theres no constant--you are born, you live, you meet people, they leave you, you get old, your alone, you die... its the rough and disgusting way to look at it- yet it proves that no one is more important than yourself in your life. Don't make someone your only worry, when they leave you will have nothing, and your own self health will be hurt, the only constant.

Life is confusing, but its beautiful....

Apartment 7 floor 11 building 06

2006-12-11T18:57:24Z

Skin tingles, as your arm brushes mine
for once, i feel safe and secure
your grasp so tight, my hand in yours
we walk- scared... but confident in eachother

the world beats me down, i just cant go on
tell me of better things, and lets leave this life
run to a land of just you and me
fuck the world around us...

My heart beats faster
your ideas start running... your talking is quicker
we can make it, i wont regret
i wont regret, ill never forget

Years later in our own homes
my life is mine, and your life is yours
but the world still scares me
and i feel so alone

your hands not there to grab
your words arent there to save me

i think of you and my eyes start to tear
i know i gave up too soon, but so did you
my words quiet to a whisper... we could have made it
i wont regret, i wont regret- i never did forget

alone in this apartment, whispering your name
its easy to say i miss you