My secret is fatally gorgeous-I'd Die For You

4:46pm: eyes are locked on one another
words die to a whisper
but with every attempt at friendship
they lose it, he rushes forward to kiss her.

Her fingers tremble as she holds his hand
wishing for the best,
and she feels like shes holding the hand of god
for he has treated her better than the rest.

Every kiss lasts so long
the tick of a second goes so slow
who is to say what is right or wrong
their hearts are the only ones that know.

and her only worry is that he will walk away
jerk back and return to his past
cause for once she feels like the passions right
a relationship in the brewing with a touch of class.

shes aching to hear him ask her, for the real thing
while his green eyes are sparkling with questions
but the more they sparkle, the more her knees weaken
thats something i didnt need to mention.

They are waiting on love- or waiting on air
time will only tell the truth
but untill that day comes around
she is only running from her youth.

2:58pm: hmm




asdfjkashdf
agh

11:56pm: koc show
the koc show
was fucking fabulous
and 2*sweet...OWNS!

other than the bad news of the carsons not playing the andrews show anymore... which im pissed about- ima happy girl

but im at dannys with shan
trying to find somewhere to go for the night
=]

10:13pm: I know
The streets are dark, my pulse is flat-lined
as I'm running to you
You sit completely unaware of what I'm about to do
The air is thick with tension much like when we are together
My fangs are aching as I'm pondering about you and I forever

As I round your corner
I am nervous that you won't be my lover


Its been a day
and i have my doubts
i actually dont have my doubts
i know whats going to come of this
I know what he is going to decide
and the thought of this makes me sick to my stomach

"She" can be his pretty valentine
Whoever she will be
Truth is she will always be prettier than me
at least he will be happy

never again will i fall in love without realizing the pain that COULD come of it first...
never again

5:42am: Just one Night
Her eyes looking through his, they breathe as one
A heap of two bodies, the nights almost done
Unattatched love, materialistic lust
Pressed against a wall, one kiss isn't enough
he leads her up the steps, the clocks ticking faster
20 minutes of pleasure-she hopes that it will last her
Through her lack of love. Then she bites her lip,
as his kisses tease her down on her hips
But when the morning comes and he is gone
Will she regret her act, will he remember her long
A smile, a touch, a moan and a kiss
And before long- one more is added to her shameful list

8:52pm: i cant control it
i cant control it
i try to stop myself
and its just to tempting
looking at pictures help
today i was good i guess

5:10pm: oh ps
oh and a note:

i miss you
your amazing =]
you made me laugh yesterday

5:08pm: like a wave- but he pulls me back
i feel like a wave....timidly going back into the water, then being rushed and pushed only to crash onto shore.
i keep drifting away, im trying to forget... im trying to move on
yet always he pulls me back without trying. I dont quite understand. Anything does it-Seeing him play a show, the sound of his voice, a song, someone running, going somewhere for the first time since this summer, anything...
I want it to stop
I want it to go away and to stop hurting
I dont want to cry, I want to be happy
God just fuckign leave me alone
Please please please find someone- ask her out, fuck her...
make me think im not worth it, and shes better.
She might not love you more than i did, but please think that she does
treat her better than me
just hurt me, its the only way ill let go
please get out of my head
remove yourself from my heart
or come back and say you miss me.
but you consume me completely, and im lost.
That saying- shes crazy for you boy
she was.. and she still is...
shes crazy, shes crazy hurt and crazy minded.

I know i was happy before i met him, at least at the time I was, and I'm happy now. I'm lucky, having someone so amazing. This part of me is convinced though that im not quite complete anymore.

Sometimes i lie awake at night and wonder what would have been made of us, if things had gone differently. but who will ever know.

8:39pm: consume... me...
falling back into that state of mind
the pains in my side are cries of victory
i pretend to consume... a game of trickery
you can control...
taunts and names flash back from my past
you can control...
staring back at me is someone i dont want to be
you can control..
feeling dizzy, searching for a way out
but I remember my hard work shown, eventually.
and the battle goes on..

2:39pm: gifts gifts gifts?
i was quite suprised
i was told over and over that im not getting anything for christmas this year
but in the weeks leading up to it and christmas day i actually got quite alot =]
-a new ipod
-an abercrombie jacket
-rock&republic jeans
-joystick dreamland hoodie
-burberry london
-lacoste touch of pink
-dior lip gloss
-a necklace
-jewelry
-chocolate =]
-a tripod for my camera..

crazy crazy
=]
and the boy got me something amazing too
hes perfect

2:39pm: The Simple things
Christmas. The simple things... Family, happiness, respect, thankfullness, and seeing life through the eyes of a child.

I love christmas, its probably my favorite day- while winter is my favorite season. It's the one time a year that i get to be a child again... It's ok to want to play in the snow, or go take a picture with santa, or bake cookies. I get to miss all of the things i cherished so much as a little girl. And every once in awhile that feeling passes me, that feeling of warmness. Having a little boy with downs come up to me and eventually ask me if i liked christmas.... I said yes and he asked why, which i guess caught me off guard. It took awhlile, but i told him because it was magical. He smiled, and the guy that was holding his hand told him it was time to leave. It kind of hurt to watch him walk away. Living the life he had, he was as happy as every little boy or girl.
Though most try to avoid the mall around christmas, its craziest time- I love it. I love seeing all of the people, bumping into friends, and seeing families bustle about trying to get ready for christmas which is coming way to fast for everything they need to do. I love seeing the little girls with the blonde curly hair and matching gold dresses wait anxiously to see santa, even though i know its all a commercial holiday, even though i know that its not real, it still makes me happy- just to see the motion of the holidays.
So what was christmas for me? It was realizing the night before, that the boy that i was and am in love with has never missed me. It was letting go. Texting back and forth i got more answers from him than i had ever expected, and they hurt, but at least it was the truth. So i feel like i was lied to, that it was three months wasted. He never loved me, he never cared. That might be speculation but it's how i reacted. In the midst of freaking out, I stepped back and realized that with everything that has happened- life moves on. Every crazy thing that has happened, every bad or hurtful thing- they never stopped life, they never made the world crack in half. So everything happens for a reason, and it happened. Maybe one day it will repeat, maybe 10 years from now ill still remember, or maybe ill just let it go, and never look back on it.
Yet christmas for me.... Christmas for me was magical in its own way. Sure getting in a fight with my mom driving to the other house last night, and being sick all day havent been great. But for once, all three of us were together as a family, not only in the same state or house, but in the same room. All day. Then i go back to christmas eve, which really was breathtaking. Going to his house we exchanged gifts of course, and he remembered that i loved white roses. Haha, a clever boyfriend that i have... put two white roses in one of the bottles in a 4 pack of jones, along with a teddy bear, well horse. We went to church, yes, me at a church... I knoooowwww.... It was fun though, I was extremelly nervous, had no clue what i was doing and felt like I didn't belong there, but he was there with me so i guess it was ok. I don't think im going back, but im glad he asked me to go with him, and i hope it made him happy that i was there. The rest of the night was nice, we decorated his tree, listened to bright eyes christmas music, i spun around in circles with my dress that twirled, and i had to keep him from trying to open his presents like a little kid when his parents took the dogs for a walk. He makes me incredibly happy, the boy keeps me going, and shows me that someone still wants me. That im not a screw up, that he sees something special in me. He's kind of like a best friend to me. You're amazing geno, absolutely amazing.
It doesnt feel like christmas, it doesnt feel like its almost over. Yet it happened... and every year christmas reminds me of something. It reminds me that its always ok to look through the eyes of a child.

3:13pm: i just remembered
how much i love bouncing souls =]
ahhh
so good =]

hahah i put them on driving home from the mall again...

12:44am: i fall apart
once again i fall apart
once again my emotions and past have proven to conquer all.
I dont quite understand why i cant just let it go. I cant really understand why he made me cry again. Apparently its possible though. Have you ever felt like someone ripped you apart into two? There's two differnt people, with two different feelings. I'll never let go of him, its not possible. He will always make me cry, and every time theres a chance of tying off the hateful ends and leaving things at a lets just drop everything- my stomach flutters... It's all i want. to fix things.
you know since it happened? he and i never talked on the phone
actually the last time we talked on the phone was our 3 month about... a week before he dumped me.
I hope hes satisfied, I hope he feels like a big person who is powerful, that has sucked the life out of me. Sometimes i honestly dont feel lik i can do it anymore, sometimes i want to just give up. I can't though.
Ive never been attatched to boys before, I've never been in love before him- But he showed me something taht i cant even explain.

I can't help but cry
I can't help but see his friends and try so hard to smile, but really just want to hide, cause it brings the memories back
the box in my room- with all of the stuff- i dont know where to put it.. I hid it, and its hard to look in it without crying...

sitting here now tears are rolling down. I wish he didnt care, i almost wish i never knew him. Why would he message me about caring about MY HEALTH. why. Why would he bother, I dont want him to bother. I want to fade away by my own good hands if thats what i choose to do. Don't notice it, Don't try to stop me. Thats what hurts
he has power over me still.

I'm a helpless girl, honestly... it takes the blow of a slight breeze to push me over.. and im butter in your hands- anyone can get me to do anything... its sickening.

WHY DO I LOVE YOU STILL?
you eat away at my thoughts
you eat away at my self respect
you eat away at my passion
and you eat away at my will to succeed




So why do i feel guilty? I have the sweetest boyfriend a girl could ask for right no. He RESPECTS me, he TRUSTS me, he LOVES me even with my past... yet i feel guilty knowing that i will always miss my past in a way. I love that heknows that, I love that i can talk to him about it- yet i feel guilty that i cant return the exact clone of a feeling back to him, since part of my heart is missing it looks like to me. He took it with him, and its not coming back.
These emotions are driving me crazy
I miss geno every second im not with him
Im nervous to feel secure in a relationship
I understand him, he understands me
yet i hardly understand myself
he loves me
yet i love him, and still love someone else.. who hates me
how does this work out like this?
how does this make sense?
why cant i just let go
why cant i just be with geno and forget about my past
why the fuck isnt there a memory eraser
why do i ask so many questions
why do i fall in love
why dont i just let go

6:02pm: my whispers in your ear...(your amazing)
and did you know
that before i met you
i looked in the mirror and couldnt even see myself

but you held my hand
and said everything would be ok
and for once
i believed...

did you know
that before i met you
taking a step forward and two back was my talent

but you opened my eyes
and showed that theres more than lust
there's friendship and trust
a light at the end of the tunnel

well did you know
that before i met you
i cried myself to sleep, wishing for the past to repeat

but you understand me
and know that your first love never dies
yet just like a friend...
you'll talk to me untill my worries end

so did you know
that before i met you
every day i wished i was someone different

but your simple words..those simple words
beatiful, pretty girl, amazing
i feel wanted, i feel needed
and for once i wouldnt change anything

did you know
that before i met you
my grip was weakening... i almost let go

but you are my blessing in disguise
more than i could ever ask for
and i never want to let this go
all that you are completes me.

i thank you yesterday
i thank you today
i thank you tomorrow
i thank you every day you are at my side...

<33

11:11pm: he makes my heart race
tonight was unexplainable
it was just... perfect i guess
especially at his house standing out in the road, right after we got back from legacy village
honestly, when im with him it feels like nothing in the world could go wrong
and i dont know
my heart starts racing..
i miss him already
and im wearing his hoodie
it smells like him =]

thank you
i dont think you realize
how much you saved me from myself
i adore you
and then some...

8:54pm: weird dream
i just took a nap before studying blahhh and now i have like 5 hours of studying to do for chem
eew


but i had an odd odd dream
i was hanging out with someone
and idk who he was
but he kept calling me miss angel
and it was creepingme out in the dream
but then i woke up
and realized how cute that name would be
and got sad
cause it was just a dream



welcome to the mind of maddie
sometimes i wonder if it even works

1:26am: and is it happening again?
my minds rushed
its happening all over again
stopped rewinded and replayed
but this time its different
the path to love- all over again
but im scared
the last time is overpowering my emotions
..
it always will

your first love never dies.




but this time..
its honest
its true
and i know he cares...
and i know theres the potential of hurting him
which i dont want to do ever
hes too sweet


but my minds a blur
i cant think
and i still wonder where it all went wrong
and why
and why i still love him
yet this whole love story...
i know its the right thing
it happened for a reaon
and i know its right
especially when he looks in my eyes...
i melt
sitting here and thinking about it...
i melt
realizing how cold i am now
i wish i was in his arms again...

1:04am: fuck michigan yo!

1:03am: relationship questions? oh my
33 relationship questions


Thirty-three questions about relationships. Answer truthfully.


RELATIONSHIPS

1. Single or taken?
taken- and hes a very sweet boy =]

2. Do you have a crush on anyone?
yes

3. Do they know?
yea

4. Do you flirt a lot?
yea

6. Do cheaters deserve a second chance?
honestly- yes

7. Serious or Fun-loving?
fun loving


8. Humor or Romance?
romance

9. Dark or light hair?
dark

10. Shorter or taller than you?
taller

11. Do you kiss strangers?
uh no

12. Do you hug strangers?
i love hugging strangers !!!! hahahahahhahaha

13. How long was your longest relationship?
5 months ish, it was complicated

14. Do you believe in kissing when you are not together yet?
yes

15. Do you think about the opposite sex a lot?
certain members of it yes

16. Have you ever slept at a friend of the opposite sex's house?
oh yes

17. Do you tell your friends they are hot?
yeahp

18. Would you rather have a sweet, clever guy/girl or a wild, funny guy/girl?
can i pick sweet and funny?

19. Have you ever liked someone a lot who didn't like you back?
yes

20. Do you feel comfortable with joking with your friends who are the opposite sex?
oh yes

21. Chocolates or flowers?
flowers

22. Have you ever been in the friends-with-benefits situation?
yeahp

23. Teddy Bear or Card?
both? ahh teddy bears make me happy

24. Would it be sweet or annoying if someone of the opposite sex called just to say hi?
sweet

25. Ever felt like your girlfriend/boyfriend didn't like you?
yeahps


26. Ever been cheated on?
yeahps


27. Ever done the cheating?
if you could call it that yes, but it really wasnt...

28. Ever cried over a break up?
ohhh fuck yes

29. Ever kissed or hugged your girlfriend/boyfriend in front of a teacher and got in trouble?
nope- all girls school haha

30. Do you believe in miracles?
yes

31. Is it easy for you to get over people who were special to you?
idk

32. Have you ever made a birthday wish or blew on a dandelion?
oh yes

33. Have you ever had a broken heart?
yes it kills

Repost this as thirty-three questions about relationships.

6:48pm: no one knows what goes on behind closed doors
1. WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR EX IF YOU COULD?
HA! nope

2. WHAT KIND OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
a sublime wife beater with my "pirate" hoodie as casey calls it

3. HAVE YOU MADE OUT WITH ANYONE ON YOUR TOP EIGHT LIST?
haa yes

4. DO YOU HAVE "A THING" FOR ANYONE ON YOUR TOP 8?
considering the fact im going out with one of them, yes

5. HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR LIST DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE?
All of themmm except one

6. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?
1 or 2

7. DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH YOUR PARENTS?
i dont know

8. FAVORITE COLOR?
sky blue or a maroonish pink

9. WHAT NAME WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE BESIDES THE ONE YOU HAVE?
allison


11. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BDAY?
haha went to some mexican restaurant and ended up having a sombrero on my head while we laughed at the drunk 50 year olds with paper towels on their heads

13. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE?
hopeless romantic- bouncing souls

14. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP?
too early

15.WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT?
getting pushed off of my side of the bed by case...

16. HOW MANY OF YOUR EX'S ARE ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST?
one

17. DO YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR HAIR PULLED?
nope

18. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN'T WAIT TO Do
aisudfasdf idk.. im happy

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM
uhh just now

20. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR SIBLING(S)
dont have them :)"

21. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?
my body

22. IF YOU HAD $250,000...HOW WOULD YOU SPEND IT?
I think im keeping kileys response- minus the nice horse, i have wooooooody :) ---"buy a nice horse, car and LIPO AND a boob job"

23.HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AT YOUR CURRENT JOB?
dont have one

24. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO TOM?
nope nope nope

25. LAST PERSON YOU CALLED?
either casey, mike about my lesson, or brooke

26. LAST THING YOU ATE?
uhh- a pancake last night

27. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE MONTH?
either november- my birthday haha or july

28. YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MONTH?
fall/winter ok ok i know those are seasons- shut up

29. WHAT'S THE LAST PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU BORROWED FROM ANYONE?
oh wow prob something from brooke

30. WHO IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RIGHT NOW?
not getting into that

31. MOST VISITED WEBPAGE?
MySpace!!!!

32. LAST PERSON YOU TEXT MESSAGED?
bursky

33. LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Mike, but i kinda cried cause i was afraid to talk to him about stuff at the barn and it was awkward

34. WOULD YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?
sure??

35. FAVORITE DRINK?
DP

36. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF FOOD?
italian food/chinese food

37. FAVORITE DESSERT?
ice creammmm

38. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED?
dfihaisdfhicasdi =] do i have to answer that one?

39. IF SOMEONE YOU HATED DIED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
idk?

40. DO YOU OWN A CAMERA PHONE?
yesmmm

2:59am: yay for music
a better battle of the bands

Radiohead or Smashing Pumpkins: radiohead
Queen or Pink Floyd: queen
Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath: led zeppelin
Aerosmith or The Who: the who
Rancid or Op Ivy: rancid
Nirvana or Soundgarden: nirvana
Rage Against the Machine or Audioslave: rage!
Slayer or Slipknot: slayer
Godsmack or System of a down: neither
The Sex Pistols or the clash: clash
Guns and Roses or AC/DC: ac/dc
Nofx or MxPx: nofx
The Used or the distillers: the distillers
Sublime or No Doubt: sublime!!!!!!!!!!!
Flogging Molly or the dropkick murphys: both!!!
The Strokes or The Vines: the vines
The White Stripes or The Hives: ehh idk
Anti - Flag or Blackflag: def. antu0flag
Eric Clapton or Jeff Beck: eric clapton
Reivs or smile empty soul: smile empty soul
Red Hot Chili Peppers or Incubus: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Pennywise or Bad Religion: Bad Religion
Cake or Greenday: Greenday
HIM or AFI: BOTH
Clutch or Cold: Cold
Bush or 30 seconds to mars: 30 seconds to mars
Rush or The Allman Brothers Band: neither
Phish or U2: U2
Billy Talent or the Descendents: the Descendents
the slackers or CKY: CKY

8:01pm: //im happy again
i met someone
who makes me happy again
he likes me for who i am
and i couldnt ask for anything better...

8:01pm: why hello rudolph
I cant even lie-i look like rudolph right now
i just got inside and my face is so red...
its so cold out
but i love it...

i think this is going to be a blog about how much i adore winter and christmas... I made a snowman today, it made me happy.. i made him cookies too =]
then i went to genos and showed up while he was shoveling the driveway..
but its just amazing

my "i give good hugs" gloves and my new scarf make me kind of happy... and the fuzzy boots- ah i want them bad but the boy and alex both said theyd make fun of me if i got them

but back on christmas and winter...
i love it, though i havent gone sledding yet this year i cant wait to... and i have a feeling im going to learn how to ice skate this year, im cool- dont know how!

i wish we had a fireplace here instead of in windsor... id like to be sitting in front of it with hot chocolate

ah it makes me so happy and warm inside.. yayy

i really should go study for finals now though

8:00pm: i think i like it, i think its good, its something i cant get my head around
i miss him already
but i get to stop by tomorrow, so its good

but i like it a lot
i like when he kisses my forhead
sometimes i smile without realizing it
i like it when he looks into my eyes
it makes me feel like im worth something for once
i like when hes shy, and doesnt know what to say
it proves that he isnt like other guys
i like that he likes me for who i am
and i dont have to try harder around him
I like when he says he misses me
i know that someone does then
i like that he will do stupid things with me
like play in the snow... once it snows that is
i like that im not scared...

7:59pm: last night.. fun fun my oh my
was fun
i went to see some cool boy, and brought him his favorite kind of jones
after i got lost driving to his house
which is only about 2.5 seconds away from andrews
im brilliant

then i rode woody- who was amazing
and came home to the world of being grounded on schoolnights...

and talked on the phone for 3 hours
mostly about music
and government =]



something bad happened though
not bad
but confusing
i like him too....



and now its time for me to go to school
eew
school
team practice
then arabica with someone pretty amazing